Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Hobby

It started with a conversation with my friend Jen. We told her about a review that had criticized my novel The Five Books of Jesus over its portrayal of women: the reviewer was upset that they always seemed to be doing some kind of domestic work. Jen laughed, and told us that on her mission in Ecuador she used to ask women what their hobbies were. They'd think about it, she said, and then say things like "I really like sweeping" or "Washing dishes is my favorite."

A few days later, while rocking our baby to sleep, I was flipping through Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk who's spent most of his life as an exile from Vietnam. By chance, I ended up in a passage that talked about washing dishes. On the level of physical sensation, says Nhat Hanh, doing the dishes is actually fairly pleasant. The warm water can feel good on your hands. The rhythmic motions of cleaning can be soothing and relaxing. We don't hate dishwashing, he says, because it's inherently unpleasant. We hate it because we're always in a hurry to get to something else. It's our sense of what's important that makes dishwashing an interruption, and therefore a frustration. We rob ourselves of joy by unnecessary rush.

I had always hated doing the dishes, but the conversation with Jen and the reading from Thich Nhat Hanh convinced me to give them another chance. And it worked. I still don't like dry skin, but doing dishes got a lot more fun when I a) reminded myself it can be nice and b) gave myself permission to treat dishes as a worthwhile experience, and not just a chore standing in the way of something else.

Since phase one of the experiment had worked, I decided to launch phase two: I told Nicole that my new hobby was changing stinky diapers.

Unlike dishes, there is nothing to enjoy about changing dirty diapers on a sensory level. But I suspected that my main objection to changing diapers was not the smell, but the interruption. I didn't like to be dragged away from important activities (like keeping my computer company?) to unimportant activities (like taking care of my kids?). In any case, I wondered whether calling diaper-changing my hobby would help change my attitude about what was interrupting what.

That was at least six weeks ago. I am writing this blog post because I just got back from changing a very dirty diaper and I felt wonderful about it.

Why did phase two work? Partly because I am a total ham with a strong sense for the absurd: I think it's hilarious to have diaper-changing as a hobby, and so I now associate changing diapers with feeling funny and clever. Partly because instead of treating diaper changes as a necessary drudgery, my whole family now gets excited: having an ecstatic two-year-old run up to say "Daddy, it's time for your hobby!" when the sixth-month old is stinky is a lot more fun than taking a hit for the team in the old "Whose turn is it?" game. And partly the "hobby" thing has worked because it's helped me to appreciate that even though poo will never be pleasant, seeing my son smile with relief as a dirty diaper comes off is quite nice.

A reasonably happy, reasonably clean baby.

I don't change all the stinky diapers. Nicole will still sometimes say, "I don't want to cut into your hobby time, but I can change this if you're busy" and sometimes I will say, "Thank you--that would be lovely." Other times, though, I say: "Are you kidding? I live for this!" And I fulfill an important part of the measure of my creation.

16 comments:

  1. .

    This makes me happy, James. I will say though that I like doing the dishes. Generally because I find it satisfying, I can listen to baseball on the radio, and I can avoid some other task without anyone saying I'm being a slacker. Trifecta!

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    1. The principle of procrastinating with work with other work is what got me through grad school. But back then it was putting off writing by finishing reading. Nowhere near your current hat trick.

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  2. I like changing diapers, because it's a chance to talk to my daughter when she can't run away. :)

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    1. Nice.

      Although I am glad my talking son is now toilet trained. I may not mind changing diapers as much, but buying them is still a pain...

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  3. Totally agree that attitude makes a huge difference. Also, those little things are really important as we notice when they don't get done. It's wonderful when we can appreciate the good work we're doing. I like the sensation of the water and love bubble-watching but I have started wearing gloves and my hands feel much better.

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    1. I should break down and get gloves in a giant size.

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  4. Actually, I think I published in someone else's name on the family computer. This is Mama Caucajewmexdian.

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  5. This is such a great idea! I think I will need to apply it to laundry.

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    1. Laundry is tough. On the one hand, it doesn't require that much attention at a time. On the other, it keeps requiring your attention all day.

      And if you're drying clothes on racks, into the next day.

      Let us know how your experiment finding more joy in laundry goes!

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  6. Love this post! When our five were little children all underfoot, I shouted, Tevye like, "These children are interrupting work!" To which I actually got an answer, "These children ARE your work." Oh, right. Made all the difference. By the way, I enjoy doing dishes; and changing diapers, dirty or just wet, was a precious time to talk to my babies and teach them the parts of their bodies. We had lots of fun. What I miss most is nursing my babies. That was actually the best part of it all.

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    1. There was a Pew study of American Mormons last year: among other things, they found that Mormons were something like 60% more likely than members of the population at large to rate "being a good parent" as a top life goal. It was particularly interesting that unmarried Mormons had the same attitudes about parenting as married Mormons: using our time and talents to help the next generation and to nurture the bonds between generations really is a central part of our work, whether we get to be parents in this life or not.

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  7. I discovered this principle when assigned to clean the grill in a Greek restaurant, and then started requesting the assignment. Since then, I've started viewing all cooking and cleaning as a process of creating order and, therefore, participating in God's work.

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    1. For sure. My wife and I have talked about the overlap with art, too.

      Cooking has important roles that go beyond getting fuel into bodies. Cooking helps being the family together and helps set a healthy pace for life. I also think one big way to help the environment is to be willing to make food from actual plants as much as possible rather than depending on highly processed foods, eating out, etc. We tend to think technology is the main answer to our environmental problems, but I think slowing down and working on home life will play a key role.

      Cleaning is the same way. I'm not really an advocate of living in a museum-clean place, but taking care of a space and of things helps combat the throw-away mentality our culture suffers under.

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  8. I love that comment about creating order. I can't think in a messy envrionment, which is sad, because Aspen seems to thrive in one. When she has a project I find her in the middle of a nest of papers, usually on my bed! The truth is, we are messy, and someone has to clean it up. That someone is usually the one who cares the most about cleanliness. I have had many moments of inspiration while putting my house in order. It just doesn't stay that way for very long . . .

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  9. How uncanny that I read this post on the same day that I watched this video that's been going around: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmpYnxlEh0c

    I have really appreciated the reminder that, as the video puts it, "I get to decide what has meaning and what doesn't." I recognize that a lot of the frustrations of parenting come from viewing the kids' needs as distractions from the important stuff I'd rather be doing (like keeping my computer company). Thanks for sharing your observations to really hit the point home for me today.

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  10. This made me cry. Of course, everything makes me cry these days. But bless you for slowing down to cherish those diaper changes and the smiles and closeness of your babies that comes with it. They grow up so fast.

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